I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize