my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
