Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
