I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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