I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think my moral compass just broke
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
