I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
