Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's blow job season.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
