just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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