I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
