her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
They took my balls.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
