Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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