Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize