I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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