did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
