My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
