Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
as a side note pls kill me
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