I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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