well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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