Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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