Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
