I need to stop coming to work sober
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
