I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
