god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize