If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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