I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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