i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
