So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
