I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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