My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
