I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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