Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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