Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
