Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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