i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
