Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
