Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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