4 words: hood of his car
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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