U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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