mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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