You can't special order awesome
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
