worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
