So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
