We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize