yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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