he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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