I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
