dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
