I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize