Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
