I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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