I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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