Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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