That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
