just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
