8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize