I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
