I have demons in me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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