I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
