Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
