This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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