Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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