I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
